If my life were a tv show, this episode would start with me on my yoga mat tonight, laying on my back after many failed attempts to do a handstand listening to “Sweet” by Dave Matthews. A song that I picked out as my Ironman song back in late November. Tears would be streaming down my face, in my own world reflecting on my journey. Then the episode would flash back in a quick montage back to a few weeks ago when all these thoughts started whirling in my brain, like ingredients in a blender. But it’s fucking not. It’s real life. So I’ll try my best to organize these thoughts.

The past few weeks since Cedar Point have brought some great things. I have found a confidence to do this race that wasn’t always there before. I’ve lost almost 22 pounds science my ass whopping at Ironman Kansas and thus my run, bike and swim have gotten faster. When I’m running I don’t recognize the shoes going faster below me. When I’m in the Cycle Studio riding I don’t recognize the legs in the mirror. When my arms come out of the water, I can’t be sure, but I think I see some muscle definition as I swim. Who the fuck is this person? A person that has a long way to go, but has come a long fucking way.

I tackled my first 100 mile bike. Completed it at my target MPH. I even commented with Aaron and Laura about how incredible it was that I could maintain 16.0 for 100 miles when I struggled to keep 13.5 for 90 minutes just in December. I’m so close to 5 miles per hour on my run (on a good day) that I can practically taste it. (Who came up with that dumb saying anyway? How do you taste a run?)

I went to go get my long-sleeve wetsuit. Which I’ve been putting off and it bit me in the ass. I arrive and there’s hardly anything left. I pick out one that I know won’t fit but I try it on to get a feel for what size to order. To much disappointment of many anticipated readers, there really isn’t a sausage in a wetsuit part 2 to the story. I was still full of incredible anxiety as I went to try it on. I even texted my friend Andrea to bitch that I was half tempted to say fuck the race because the thought of this wetsuit made me sick to my stomach. But as I got it on, it went up far easier than I ever remembered my other wetsuit experience. I still got sweaty like Ross in that episode of friends, but despite being a size too small, I still got it on. Don’t get me wrong, I still was fucking glad to have it off and I still have yet to have the final “fitting” with the suit I order, but not nearly as traumatic as the first go-round. Thinking about swimming 2.4 miles in a long sleeve wetsuit is enough to keep me up at night, but I’ll freak out after I have my first swim in it 🙂

Last week I wrapped up a job I’ve had for almost 5 years and went on to my new job. A dream job marrying my passion for fundraising, service and an organization that I love. With this transition came a lot of stress and unexpected twists. With the training schedule I’m fucking starving all the time and Thursday night I hit a wall. I couldn’t swim another night, so I didn’t. But then I ate to fill that starving void and felt guilty the entire night. Friday I made up for it some and I was determined to have a great training weekend.

I was supposed to run a 10K with BoMF, we ran in a re-entry facility with inmates that have been training for this race. It was going to be 22 laps and about lap 3 I had to stop in the bathroom as I wasn’t feeling well. Then lap 8 I had to stop again and I puked my guts out. I thought about powering through but decided it wasn’t worth it so I stopped at 11 laps for the 5K. Despite getting sick, one of the more rewarding experiences I’ve had running. Sunday I set out for a 100 mile ride and had great ride support. My stomach was feeling okay through lap 1. Around mile 42, in the middle of lap 2 I felt sick. Even Kim noted my face showed I wasn’t feeling well. I stopped to try to settle my stomach and puked again in the corn fields. Meanwhile Kim and Robert are chatting away about Ironman Chattanooga. That’s true friendship that friends don’t get grossed out while you’re yacking up EFS, salt tablets and stinger waffles. It’s really fucked up that I was contributing to the conversation between yacking.

I got back on the bike and rode out another 18 miles and we hit 60. I was feeling okay but I couldn’t keep any nutrition down. I thought about all the people that said the puked in Kona on Saturday and kept going. So I thought I should keep going and not be a pussy. But we talked it through and decided I should probably call it a day and get some rest and try to keep fluids down. I guess there’s some important lessons to learn, I need to talk to Heather about what to do if I puke on the bike. I also need to think about carrying some tums on the bike, just in case. Kim and Robert told me NOT to worry about this as a sign that I can’t do this race. They’re right, I’ve done the distance, my increased speed are buying me some buffer time come race day and I’ve got one more long ride (112 miles) before I taper.

Today for the first time in 3 days I had a workout without puking! Small victories. I think this recent occurrence of puking has been attributed to something I ate late last week.

I can’t lie, these past few weeks I still have had some mental battles. What am I going to do with all my free time post Ironman? Who am I without Ironman training? What if I don’t finish??? Then I get an email from SWA today reminding me that my trip is “right” around the corner, that means Ironman Arizona is right around the corner. I freak out a bit, my chest gets tight and my heart races. And besides, since when is a month right around the corner? Screw you SWA.

Fast forward back to my mat tonight. It was a great class, small with lots of random moves and music. Hitting the spots I needed to hit. Feeling a little defeated after wanting to do a handstand so bad and not quite getting there, my song comes on. I just lay there realizing I haven’t heard it in months and I take the words in. Next thing I know I’m crying. Not bawling, but a steady flow of tears streaming down my face. In those 4 minutes and 12 seconds the entire last year was a montage in my head. All the frustrations, the set backs, the victories, the amazing and incredible support from people in my life and strangers following my story. I can’t believe how fucking far I’ve come.

I can’t even remember the last song of the evening. But as I laid there the vision of what I want in the coming months came into focus. I want to improve my conscious contact with God. I grew up going to church and believing in god because that is what I was told. After I was old enough to figure out religion for myself I resented God for what happened to me as a young child. As I’ve worked a program I’ve realized that I no longer resent God, but now that I have the realization I’m ready to improve my contact.

I’m looking forward to the off season to continue to drop weight and build muscle. You had better watch out F35-39, next season I’m fucking coming for your podium spots! Holy shit, being in 35-39 next year is another mindfuck, am I really old enough to be in the 35-39 age group??

I’m looking forward to continuing my passions without fear. I realized after tonight I need not have any fear about finishing Ironman Arizona. I’ve put in the work and have the skills to finish. BUT even if I don’t finish, I have no reason to be ashamed. I’ve tackled more than most people thought I was capable of and more importantly, more than I thought I could ever accomplish.

I can’t really say why these lyrics make sense as my Ironman song, but they make sense in my heart, which is all that really matters…34 days to go!

Steelhead was supposed to be my last 70.3 of the season. It wasn’t. I knew I was going to be at Rev3 Cedar Point to cheer Brian on his full iron distance race. I didn’t realize I’d be there racing myself.

After Steelhead we switched up my nutrition plan on the bike and run and I really wanted a race setting to give it a try. So CP 70.3 was a last minute add. And damn did it pay off.

The agreement to adding this race was there wasn’t a taper going in and no recovering coming out. Training right through it. The Saturday before I ran a half marathon and rode 52 miles. I didn’t have any expectations going into the race. I knew I should be able to improve my time from last year’s race. I did have a lot of anxiety that Brian would finish before me since he started 2 hours before me and is twice as fast as me. Other than that I wasn’t nervous or excited; my mood was pretty neutral.

I picked up my race packet and was pissed to see I was the LAST wave AGAIN! I purposely didn’t enter into the Athena so I wouldn’t be the last wave off, thus improving my odds that Brian wouldn’t beat me in. But they changed waves and I would be the last to start at 8:45 – boo!

The weather going into the race was perfect. Mild temperatures, low wind. Too perfect of conditions to stay that way for race day. In the athletes meeting they told us there was a 50|50 chance the swim was going to be changed. They say that ever year, the red buoys were already on the lake Erie swim course, we doubted it was going to be moved.

Before the race I had told a few people I wanted to run good mental race and if I did, the physical would come along with it. I had a goal of finishing 8:15, which would be a 29 minute improvement over Steelhead 1 month prior. At this race I ran into Kenrick from the Bruised Banana (check it out if you’re an endurance athlete!), nice to meet people in person that you meet online through a common love of the sport. Kenrick had sent me a really nice note saying how much he loved my Kansas race report.

Race morning was pretty windy. You could hear the waves crashing on the beach of lake Erie, yeah not a good sign. The swim was moved into the marina. The water was so rough in Erie they couldn’t even go get the red buoys to move to the other swim course. This new swim course also meant a .6 mile run from the swim exit to transition. Of course the one time I don’t bring extra running shoes to a race is the one time I need them! I figured it would be my luck someone else would accidentally take mine and I’d be out shoes for the half marathon. So I decided to run barefoot.

I joked the night before that it was becoming too easy to pack my transition bag. Well I failed as I forgot to pack running socks. I had time to take them to transition so as I walked up to my bike they started playing Thunderstruck. I said out loud “fuck it’s going to be a good day” as I used this song to pump me up my first year of running half marathons. As I exited they played Calvin Harris “I Feel So Close to You” another song that gets me pumped up. Any nerves that had developed that morning had calmed. I knew I had it in me to have a good race, so it was time to deliver.

The benefit of the swim being moved is I got to watch Brian start and end the swim and run toward transition. He looked really strong, so I had a feeling he was going to have a great day. His dad and I were talking for almost two hours before my wave went off. Then I realized I forgot my inhaler, my cycle glasses and headband for the bike. Super big fail. So much for being cocky about quickly packing my transition bag. Luckily Monika had her inhaler so she lent it to me for before the swim. I gave my cycle glasses to Ron to give me as I ran through to the bike and I would go without the headband.

The wave start turned into a time trial start so I got in the water right after my friend Stephanie. Right before we got in the wind had really picked up and the water was starting to get a bit choppy. The course was unfamiliar but pretty simple, counter clockwise around the island. It was a pretty easy swim until I got to the thin channel between the boat docks and the island. That’s where I encountered three different swim cap colors of waves that started ahead of me and people back stroking. And red caps, you stay away from red caps – people who have self identified themselves as weak swimmers. With all this shit I couldn’t really find a clear path to get forward so I was a little closer to the island (and the rocks beneath me!) than I would have liked. There was a slight current helping us on the back side of the island. Then the last turn was straight back to the boat ramp. This part sucked, I felt like I wasn’t making any progress and actually hit rocks as I swam in. Last year I was in the last wave and the 2nd to last person out of the water. This year I was far from the last person out, nice improvement!

I was just glad to be out of the water and I actually was running, I knew it was going to be a good day if I was running right out of the swim. Coming out of the bike transition I was exactly on time to make the 8:15. Taking out on the bike I passed about two dozen people, feeling strong. The first hour I averaged 20mph then slowed a bit coming into town and some of the hills. I made the mistake of eating a mojo bar in hour 1 instead of 3 like the planned called for and I was having GI issues coming into the weekend. That and perhaps a wavy swim caused me to feel like I was going to puke on the bike. It was a bit hard getting some of my salt tablets down. As I was coming out of town into the head wind at the back end of the course I saw Brian going into town and I knew he’d pass me in a few miles to finish his second loop of the course.

Miles 26-44 sucked ass. The wind was not fun on the back of the course and after a while it didn’t matter which direction you were headed, you were going into the wind. Mile 44 is when I got my second wind and knew I was almost in. Coming into transition Ron told me Brian wasn’t in off the bike yet, so my goal was to get as far into the run as possible before he caught me again.

Coming out of transition onto the run I was within a minute of my goal times. Monika gave me her inhaler again and I was on my way into the boring run known as the CP course. I passed Luke and Sean coming in as I was going out, it was nice to see them on the course. The prior year they had already finished by the time I started the run. I saw Ben as he had about 1 mile left, again, he had already finished before I went out to run, so happy about the improvement. About mile 2 I had a woman come up behind me and she said “girl you passed me on the bike and I tried like hell to catch you.” Weird things I’m not used to hearing. Of course I never saw her again on the run 😐

I ran the first 5 miles, the longest I’ve run in a 70.3 race to start. Knowing that Brian was going to tell me to run if he came up behind me and I was walking kept me running. Regardless of the motivation, I now know coming out of the race, I can do more than I think I can. I think in between miles 4 and 5 is where he passed me. After you wrap around the edge of the water you run up and down and up and down 3 city streets. So god awful boring. I struggled on these streets, but once I got back onto the main drag I knew it was the last stretch so I picked my pace back up. Kenrick doing the full Rev race passed me twice on the run and it was fun to cheer for each other as he passed. What a great guy, he was doing so well on his race, holding the lead and yet he still had a smile and encouraging words for me. There’s a lot of great athletes in this sport, but the ones that are still able to offer encouragement to fellow athletes are the amazing ones in my book!

With about 3 miles to go I passed Brian going back into town for his 2nd loop of the run, still looking strong, breaking 11 hours was going to happen! I ran back into the park and saw all my friends and Ron which put a big smile on my face. It was a bummer they ran out of finisher medals before I got to the finish line, but I borrowed Ben’s for my finisher picture. I was bummed that I missed my goal finish by 4 minutes and 21 seconds. But I was still pretty happy to come so close. I had taken 25 minutes off my time in Steelhead, I had taken 1h 3 min off my CP 70.3 time in 2012.

I started thinking about all the places I could have shaved time. I probably would have done it if they hadn’t moved that swim and added the .6 mile transition. I shouldn’t have stopped to pee on the run course. Those two together I might have broke 8 hours, hahaha.

I had another PR and I got to watch Brian finish his race. It was a good day. Brian did an amazing job and met his goal of finishing sub 11. He blew it away at 10:53 and won 3rd in his age group. I’ve been really lucky to have had the opportunity to travel to three races with him. I’ve picked up a lot of good tips and habits and his performances have inspired me to continue to improve and keep blowing past my previous PRs.

Monday night I went into my masters swim and it was announced we had a 500M time trial. What? Are you fucking kidding me, that’s like a pop quiz after a mid-term. My coach said I could do a recover swim instead, but I decided to try. I posted a pretty good time for me and probably could have squeezed out a little more effort. I rode 5 hours yesterday with a brick run and had a 2 hour ride and 1 hour run tonight. After a 13 hour training weekend, I feel pretty good and am ready to go after these next 8 weeks of training. Race day is 9 WEEKS from today!

I went to Louisville for the Ironman to cheer on the gazillion people I knew racing. I was able to kayak the swim and work in the women’s change tent in T2. It was a great perspective to other parts of the Ironman I hadn’t seen that up close and personal.

Kayaking the swim was fun, but a lot of work! I think we kayaked at least 3 miles that day. The current was pretty strong and I was in the down current so I had to keep moving back up stream. I have always appreciated the race volunteers but have even more respect for those out there keeping us safe. It’s a lot of work kayaking, keeping out of race traffic and watching everyone to make sure people are doing okay – all at once.

It blows my mind some of things I saw out there:
-The pros have an amazing stroke that caused my jaw to drop in awe. Glad to see most only breathe out of one side and breathe every other stroke too!
-One guy stopped at my kayak to rest, he asked how much longer he had to go. I told him he was 2.5 buoys away from the half way buoy so probably about 1.6 miles. He said, no, you’re wrong, it’s only half a mile, I can see Joe’s Crab Shack from here. I told him I was pretty sure it was longer than that. He argued again, I said, well if you’re that close, go swim and rest in transition.
-One guy stopped and was chatting a bit. I asked him if it was his first Ironman, he said it was his first open water swim. Are you fucking serious? Yes, an Ironman does seem like a good time to take your first open water swim. Another guy told me it was his first triathlon. Where do people come up with these ideas?
-One lady was FREAKING OUT in the water. Every kayaker knew her, Rosie. It was her second Ironman. Because she was in sheer panic, they had a kayak following her, which I thought was unfair, but what do I know. Her personal kayakers needed to help someone else so she had a meltdown in front of my kayak. Yelling and screaming bloody murder, she wanted me to come into race traffic so she could stop. I told her to swim to me. I seriously thought she was going to tip me as she was shaking so much. She had been back stroking and I first thought she was drowning as she was splashing and making such a commotion. I get that people panic in the water, but come on.

After kayaking I’m feeling good about my 2.4 swim. I know I swim stronger than some of the people who finished, so I’m not too concerned.

I’m beginning to see that people do not have respect for the races. I always love it when I tell someone I’m doing an Ironman and they say I could do the entire thing except for the swim. Really? Do you really know what the distances feel like? Or people say, I could fuddle my way through the swim. No, actually you really can’t. The swim is the most dangerous part, people panic being in a large body of water, body parts flying around smacking each other.

T2 was an interesting experience. It’s hotter than hell and the smell of urine is nauseating. It’s really interesting to watch the spectrum of attitudes of people coming in. Some are grateful for the help and volunteers. Some are in their zone and don’t really acknowledge you. And some are just bitches that wouldn’t give you the time of day regardless of the situation. I touched more disgusting clothes and peed-on cycle shoes than I’d like to think about. It was interesting to see how some people pack the kitchen sink in their transition bag and others pack very little. I picked up a few good ideas for my own race. I was able to help Lindsey and Tina, a blind athlete and guide, it was especially cool because they are friends of my good friends the Crowleys. It was nice to be able to see all my friends come through and give them a kiss wishing them luck on the run. Low lights: One woman had too much sweat in her eyes after spraying with sunscreen, there weren’t any towels so she used my shirt to wipe her face. Then I was crouching to the ground to organize a woman’s stuff and she was sitting changing her shorts and she peed on me. BARF. I don’t think I have ever felt so gross leaving that tent. Tossed the shirt and took a shower.

Enjoyed the finish line at 4th Street Live! I would like to do that race one day just for the finish line. LOVED watching all my friends make their dreams come true by finishing their first Ironman. And watching my friends finish their Xth Ironman, PR or QUALIFY FOR KONA!! Congratulations to Shea 🙂

Everyone did a great job and I’m so honored to know such amazing athletes. We all know I love to cheer just as much as I love to race (well, next post might change that) so it was a great day with lots of wonderful friends.

This past Saturday marked 3 months out from Ironman Arizona. I started the day with a mile open water swim then headed out for a 62 mile bike ride. I popped a spoke on my back wheel of my ZIPP around mile 16 and my ride was over. I was so bummed fucking pissed.

Trying to look to the silver lining I thought it was better to happen in a training ride and not the big race. Sunday I went out for another go. At mile 20 with my gears feeling really slow, I stopped to spin my back wheel. It didn’t even make it all the way around. Jesus Christ. I centered my wheel and it was like night and day.

Here I am 3 months out and still making stupid, rookie mistakes. I know better than to not check my wheels after putting it back on the bike. The rest of my 70 mile ride was MUCH better, amazing what proper working equipment will do.

70 is my longest ride to date. I went home and fell asleep after lunch. Woke up and felt like I got run over by a truck. I FREAKED out, how in the hell was I going to go another 42 miles then run a marathon? The view of the Ironman from 30,000 feet makes me want to puke. Not nearly as bad as a year ago, but it still freaks me out.

After calming myself down I thought back to just a few months ago. A 50 mile ride was a huge deal. I had prepare the night before, pack my stuff and go to bed early; just like a long ride. Now it’s no big deal. 50 miles is just a medium ride, I don’t even think about it before I roll out. I don’t have to hype myself up for it. I’m trying to remind myself it will all come together. I have a great coach, nutritionist and plenty of friends to guide me. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

A friend shared this bit with me:
“that’s called an epiphany, not a freak out. A freakout does not provide opportunity to grow, an epiphany does”

I was in New Orleans a few weeks ago for a board meeting and convention. People I haven’t seen in two years were telling me they read every blog I post and I inspire them. One of my friends that avoids social media has my blog on her bookmark bar. I’m getting much better at accepting those compliments and saying thank you. I’ve never been good at that, usually I feel the need to reply with a compliment back. One of the guys on our Back on My Feet has been helping me with that. Just another example of how I get out just as much as I give by being involved.

One of my friends and I went to Tarot card reader in a voodoo shop. It was just for fun. You know those cards can be applied to anything going on your life. Basically said I needed to let go of a resentment where I felt betrayed and then I could experience full happiness in all aspects of my life. She also said I was playing a role in a bigger picture now and hadn’t fully embraced it.

As silly as the experience was, it’s really caused me to stop and reflect. Training for an Ironman is so much more than the physical. It’s more about the mental. Sharpening my mental focus and pushing myself beyond whatever I thought possible. In the past two weeks of reflection I’ve started to let go of this resentment I’ve been carrying for far too long. It’s freeing, but a little scary. In a weird way the resentment has protected me from being vulnerable. Being vulnerable sucks, I hate it. But I often forget that being vulnerable can sometimes open me to amazingly beautiful experiences.

I spent this past weekend with lots of different friends; some of which have come with my new tri way of life. I really loved it. People who love me for who I am. I don’t have to dumb myself down or talk myself up. People who have seen me at my best and my worst and it doesn’t change their opinions of me, one would even argue it makes them love me more. Friends who inspire me more than I could ever express. Just another gift of my journey on the road to Ironman.

In my career I’ve been blessed that I can be both strategic and operational. Help develop the high-level big picture and then break it into operational tasks to achieve that strategy. So it’s a bit out of my comfort zone to be struggling with the overall picture of Ironman right now. But I need to trust in my training and wait for the big picture to come together November 17.

Steelhead 70.3 was the 2nd major race on the road to Ironman. I had some nerves going into this race, mainly because I knew I needed a good race coming off Kansas heading into Arizona. I guess I needed it mentally to know that the Arizona finish was still a possible reality. Because after Kansas, I had my doubts. The past three weeks in training have been a struggle, I’ve been getting the time in, not really able to find the inner drive to push myself. Luckily last weekend I awoke from the fog with a renewed motivation.

After Saturday’s practice swim, bike and run my nerves disappeared. The swim felt good, we were swimming the direction they suggested for race day, even though against the current, but Steelhead is known for a fast swim since they swim the swimmers with the current. The bike felt incredible, Sassyroo felt like she was one with the road. My run was pretty strong as well; easily within my 13 minute training runs.

I was ready. It was all mental at this point. Get my head in the game. I know a ton of people racing. I knew that on the bike I needed to keep my head forward and not keep an eye out for anyone I knew. I was going to follow my nutrition perfectly. I needed to also keep the same strategy for the run. And push myself past comfortable, it’s okay for it to hurt.

                                      Back on My Feet – Kelly, Brian and I before the swim

Race morning they had us swim South to North. You have to walk a mile on the beach to get to the swim start. It’s an awful pre-race activity if you ask me. As we’re walking to the start it’s hard not to notice that the current is flowing North to South, not South to North. Um, aren’t we going to be swimming into the current? I figure they know something we don’t so I didn’t worry.

True to form I’m one of the few without their wetsuit on, water temp was 67. The waves are pretty rough swimming out to the first buoy, so most people are wading out instead of swimming. I got to the first buoy and started off. For the first time in a race I was right there with my  cap color. I didn’t see the next color come through until buoy three, so I was cruising right along. I was swimming the most consistent, strong swim I have in a race, ever. I was at 17 minutes at 1000 meters, at this rate it’s going to be one hell of a PR on the swim. It’s definitely wavy, but I’m going with the flow. I see a lot of people breast stroking and back stroking. A few people hanging on to kayaks and buoys. Right around the orange buoys (half way heading back) the swim starts getting rough and my time is slowing down. I’m trying not to get upset, but I keep thinking “fuck, I thought this was a fast swim?? What am I doing wrong?” I must have kicked a woman backstroking as she screams “what the fuck” I don’t even apologize. It’s an open water swim, it’s going to happen. I got kicked, clawed and someones beard swam by and gave me some rash on my shoulder, it happens. I only paused 3 times to pull up my shorts (if you know how to put in a drawstring, let me know).

Running up the beach was terrible. I was thinking I love the beach but hate sand. Brian tapped my shoulder as he ran by and I made my way to my bike.

Transition is SUPER long and NARROW. It’s a giant clusterfuck and I probably wouldn’t do that race again for that reason. I tried my best to clean all the sand off my feet, but I failed as the sand rubbing in my cycle shoes would later rub the pads of my feet raw.

The beginning of the bike I was conservative to catch my breath. The first big climb is a false flat out on the highway. I was in quite a bit of traffic for the first time. The entire bike I was with tons of people. I could see a rainbow of jerseys ahead of me and knew there was a sea of people behind me. Going up a hill I was coming up behind a guy, I burned some energy and passed him as I was within drafting distance. As I passed him someone passed me and yelled to the guy “Pick up the pace dude, you just got checked by a chick” it made me laugh and gave me some motivation to dig deeper.

Nothing major to report in the bike. I kept a steady pace, picked up the pace after mile 25. The ride back in on the high way is smooth and fast. A few climbs, but the wind is at your back. It dawned on me that I really didn’t know how to handle passing and avoiding drafting. I’ve never stayed with the pack before. Thanks to all my friends who have taught me proper bike gearing on rolling hills. I had a fun time gaining speed in the downhill passing everyone coasting and having great power and momentum going up the hills. It was awesome to be doing the passing and not being passed. I rolled through a small crowd and passed a pack of guys, some little kid screamed “girls rule.” I thought “so this is what racing feels like.” The last 5 miles I slowed down a bit, but still finished strong.

As I was running my bike into transition (um I’m pretty sure I’ve never run my bike through transition) this guy stopped without notice in front of me. My front tire hit his leg and he yelled at me. The stop of momentum caused my bike to fly on its side and a piece flew off. I picked up the piece and my bike and ran in front of him. I tried to clean my feet off more and took off on the run. The first half mile felt good, I was running a good pace. Then a cramp in my aductor kicked in and I walked to stretch it out. I knew that stopping to stretch would make something else cramp up. Best to take some more salt and just walk it off. A pack of three, that I recognized from the bike jogged by and said how strong and amazing I looked on the bike when I passed them, which was nice.

I was following my nutrition as written and my stomach was NOT happy. I couldn’t find a groove to run at all, the pads of my feet were on fire, so I was trying my best to keep moving forward. Finally about mile 4 I realized that when I train with cola it goes flat in my water bottle. The cola on the course is fresh out of the bottle and full of fizz. Once I realized this I stopped the cola and took in perform instead. It took about 2 miles to work itself out, then I was able to start running. I ran, well jogged, almost the entire last 6 miles. Unfortunately I just couldn’t get a faster pace going. I guess to look at the positive, I wasn’t shuffling, I was picking my feet up, just slowly. LOL The second loop of the run was desolate. Oh yes, this is the race I know. I just kept chugging along, keeping a guy with a yellow shirt in view for most of the rest of the race. I couldn’t take anymore sweet liquid so I lived off water and salt. Oh and every aid station, I asked the volunteer to dump ice down my back. It worked well to keep me cool as it was getting hot.

I had accidentally hit pause instead of lap on my watch so it stopped, I didn’t realize it until about mile 5 on the bike. So I really had no clue what my time was, just a best estimate. So I had no clue if I was within time or not. I keep thinking every Ironman truck rolling by was going to have a guy pop out to take my timing chip.

I was really disappointed with the fail on the run. The rest of the race had been pretty well executed. Then it hit me. Triathlon is kind of like the golf saying “drive for show, putt for dough” as the bike is where you can show off, but the run will make or break you. Same with golf, show off with your crazy drives, but if you can’t putt and play the shots 100 yards out, you’re never going to have great scores.

I started playing the what ifs for my race in Arizona and decided to just shut my head off and finish. I came into the finisher’s chute and saw Jereme, then Brian, Kelly, Ryan, Ana, Polly and Amanda. It was so nice to have a group waiting for me and made me smile. I saw Jaime at the end as I got my finisher’s medal and hat. It was a good day. I PR’d by 41 minutes over my Cedar Point time and I finished with a smile (not that you really can compare one course to another).

I wasn’t feeling good about the race because of my run. I talked to my coach and he said he was pleased. I said you’re the expert in this, if you’re pleased, I will be too.

It’s a black fly, in your chardonnay; isn’t it ironic? Yes, it is quite ironic that my last post was how I was in love with training, life is grand. Just a few weeks later I’ve had a complete meltdown and have to fucking ride my bike on my trainer in my house just so I don’t get any ideas about forgetting to stop at a stop sign during a ride in the cornfields.

Coming off two pretty damn solid 15 hour training weeks and this week I struggled to get in 10.5. This meltdown is not triggered by my training. It’s triggered by shit outside training weighing me down, like being stuck in quick sand, until I eventually I’ve sunk.

I’m facing some conflicts at work with my personal values. I only share this because I laid it all out for my boss on Wednesday. I’m struggling to find solutions and asked for help. I’ve tried hard, but it’s spilled into every nook and cranny of my life and I haven’t felt this depressed since probably my first year in college. Unlike college, I’ve not cried or felt hurt, I’ve just been numb to everything around me.

Everything around me is a fucking mess. My lawn is a disaster. My house is a wreck. I’ve been living out of laundry baskets of clean clothes in my dining room for the last week. I’ve been sleeping where ever I seem to fall asleep after playing hours of candy crush (thank god people for all the lives you’ve sent me!). In the past two weeks I’ve been in two conversations about candy crush, for like an hour each. How does a game invade our lives so much? It’s really crack.

Oops, tangent.

I tried lots of things this week and nothing snapped me out of this fuckity fuck fuck funk. Things would help temporarily but eventually I was back in funkville. I should pick up the phone and call someone but I don’t have anything to talk about. I went to a meeting, that didn’t help either. I skipped training and went to go clean my house and instead watched 6 hours straight of Sex and the City.

I went to Dave and had a good time. I’m concert-ed out until Mumford and Sons. I didn’t drink much because I knew that would make all this shit I’m going through even worse. I went to cheer at Muncie 70.3 hoping that would help me get excited about something in my life again. I found myself glad I wasn’t racing and kinda wishing I wasn’t racing at Steelhead. That’s no bueno. I found myself surrounded by tons of people I know, many are really good friends, but I still felt alone. I saw a group of friends last night and felt isolated. Isolation is never a good sign, for me, that means I’ve gone deep in the throws of my depression and there’s no quick fix.

I had breakfast with some friends this morning. I shared how I felt and then apologized for the word vomit. One said, “I’ve never heard you like this before, I don’t mind, I’ve never seen you anything but happy.” I realized that overall I’m pretty happy. I really am, but when I crash, I crash hard. When something attacks me at the core, it cuts deep. Henry, one of our Back on My Feet alum treated me to a car wash. He helped me to clean every inch of my car inside and out. It was nice to get the help, sometimes you give and sometimes you take. It was in that moment I realized how many people take from me. I guess I let them take, so it’s my own fault. I got pissed for a brief moment taking inventory of those people who are the takers, but then I quickly remembered all the people in my life who give me encouragement and love. The friends, family and strangers that fill my cup when I need it.

I think that was the kickoff I needed to start digging out of the quick sand. I got my house clean today and got my workout in. I still have the feeling of wanting to isolate, so I know I’ve still got work to do, but at least my week should start a little better with things around me better organized.

I’m really looking forward to going to visit my parents this upcoming weekend in the mountains of Arizona. Good quality down time for lots of swims and runs. There’s not much to do besides relax and enjoy being away, so I’m hoping that will help me gain clarity and focus.

Standing at the finish line at Muncie cheering everyone in brought me to tears so many times. Imagining all the personal battles everyone was overcoming to race. The people who were experiencing their first finish, qualifying for the World Championships in Vegas or even just struggling to get to the finish line. It reminded me why I’m doing this and affirmed that my motives are in order. How much I love the sport.

It made me want to race hard at Steelhead. I want a great race, I need a great race. So now it’s time to go get it.

Something has clicked. I don’t know what, how or why but it has. I’m falling in love with training for Ironman.  Much like a new relationship, it’s taking all my time as my money! But unlike any relationship I’ve ever been in, I’m feeling good about myself without any doubts.  I don’t have to have fear that Ironman will cheat on me like most other guys have. I don’t have to share it, it’s all mine.

New before you all think I’ve given up on finding guy to date, hush. I knew this year that work would come first and then Ironman training, leaving little time for dating. While I know that past relationships have been nothing but fucking disasters and good stories for lots of laughs at social gatherings, I have hope that if I’m living the life I love, then love will find me when it’s right.

Fucking tangent, so back to training. I used to hate training. I would argue with the committee in my head trying to reason my way out of a workout.  Now I look forward to them, whatever challenge may come along with that workout. I’m loving the inner strength I’m finding. I’m in awe that my desire to push harder, faster and stronger is finally starting to drown out my head to telling me to slow down, stop or quit.

I realized last night my back no longer feels stiff and sore when I swim because my core is getting stronger. I’ve found muscles I didn’t know existed and I’m just about into those five pairs of pants I bought on sale two years ago because I was only 10 pounds away and never managed to get there.

Now, Ironman Arizona is still a little less than five months away. I know I’ll be back here to blog those days when I fucking hate training and wonder what I was on when I decided to take one on. But for today I’m loving it and I’m full of passion and gratitude even in the thick of a 15 hour training week.

Tri. Short for Triathlon.

tri·ath·lon  

Noun An athletic contest consisting of three different events, typically swimming, cycling, and long-distance running. Why do I tri? That’s a question I’m not sure I know the answer to. Up until now, I really dislike swimming. I suck at running therefore I really have to push myself to run. My bike is improving but I can’t really say I love it. (There a half dozen things I’d rather be doing before I bike.) However overall it’s something that pushes me to TRY. Why do I try? That’s an easier question. I try because I never know how far I can push myself unless I try. If you would have told me in 2009 that I would complete a half marathon I would have laughed in your face. Probably while smoking a cigarette and slamming jagerbomb. But I gave it a TRY and completed it. 12 half marathons later I’m here training for an Ironman. By taking the time to try a tri I have been able to find myself. Before, I’m not sure I ever really knew who I was. I’m a person that isn’t afraid to fail. I’m not scared off just because people tell me I can’t do it. I’m not afraid to show you my soul, even if it has some dark spots. I’m a person that is not afraid to finish dead last. I’m not afraid to keep going even after they take my timing chip. I’ve learned humility, what an amazing lesson to learn through an experience that pushes me past any comfort zones I thought I knew. All while wearing a tri suit which is about the most embarrassing thing next to parading around naked. Tonight while at an OWS with my JCL teammates and other great triathletes from various teams, I fell in love with swimming. Tonight was my first swim back with the group this season. Tonight I was no longer the last person. Tonight I was no longer the swimmer that needed the kayak to follow me. For the first time tonight I felt like I could have swam forever. Tonight I completed an oly distance (1500 m) in 33 minutes, last season it took me 50 minutes. Then it hit me. Why do I tri? I tri because I’ve met a tremendous community of supporters that encourage a healthy lifestyle and comrade. I tri because I’m sticking with it, giving it my all and seeing some incredible improvements. I continue to tri because I can’t wait to see what’s next. And to show up the nay sayers.

climb. climb. wind. wind and climb. Repeat. christ does this ever fucking end?

Oh wait. Fuck. I have brown eyes. I swear sometimes I can’t remember anything. Well, same message, there’s something behind these eyes.

If we’re not friends on Facebook then you don’t know that every time I fall off my bike, I’ve posted something about it. A picture where I fell the first time. A status about falling again exactly a week later. Third week, woohoo! No fall. Week four, doh, Sunday, like clock work I fell over again.

I had a friend ask me how I could put it out to the world. How was I okay with letting people know that  I fall off my bike. Wasn’t I afraid that people would be laughing at me and making fun of me as they read their news feed. An Ironman in training doesn’t fall off their bike. And if they do, they certainly don’t tell anyone, and don’t put it on social media. Well, my reply: fuck that. Life happens. We all fall.

But it’s how you handle it that makes you a stronger person. By sharing with other people about my falls and setbacks, others can see you don’t have to be graceful to go after your goals. By sharing my experiences good AND bad, I hope others see you don’t have to be perfect in achieving your goals. You can finish dead last and still make your dreams come true.

Several years ago I would have NEVER posted that on Facebook or let people know this blog existed. Did we even have Facebook? Well, not the point, I digress. I would have only posted the positive. I would have only posted pictures from my good side, untagged hideous pictures of me and turned off my wall so people couldn’t have posted anything questionable.

Well, I found out that living in that bubble didn’t REALLY make me happy. Living life out loud, coloring outside the lines, taking risks and not caring if people make fun of me, was what made me happy. Sharing my raw feelings, sometimes ugly and sometimes beautiful helps me grow as a person and I only hope it inspires someone else to live the life they love without fear.

Oh shiny object…
So I’ve got the taper tantrums. I’m not even tapering, this week was lighter but not as light as it would be the week of a big race. Ironman Kansas 70.3 on Sunday will be a long training day. I’ll use it to figure out where I’m really sucking (um, swim, god please, I don’t want to drown in Kansas, Nick will know and find me) and where I can use some fine tuning.

One second I’m so excited to race a good race Sunday. The next second I’m nervous and nauseous. Repeat. All. Day. Long.

I really shouldn’t be nervous. I am CONFIDENT that I’m a million times more prepared for this race than I was Cedar Point 70.3 last September. A) I’ve been on my bike more than two times in the last two months. 2) My run is getting stronger. D) I’m no longer carrying a bucket from Auto Zone to transition. (Yeah, I was that girl!)

I’ve been reading race reports. People say it’s the toughest course they’ve done. Ugh. Sometimes too much info isn’t good. Okay wipe that shit clean. Time for a pep talk.

I’m going to go out and give it my all. My goal for this race is to make it to the finish without running out of official Ironman time. I’m going to rotate, exhale fully and kick in the swim. I’m going to properly pace myself on the bike and leave some in the tank for the monster hill at mile 50. My mantra on the run is DO NOT FUCKING STOP (DNFS). My brain telling me to walk/slow/stop is my own worse enemy.

I’m going to use the time during the day to reflect. Where I’ve come from and where I’m going. I have a lot of memories of Kansas as that’s where I went to high school. The person I was 15 16 years ago (damn I’m old!) when I left is so different than the person I am today. The person back then thought I had to be married to be happy. If I still thought that I could call my ex boyfriend from high school. The dude has a 6th sense and the second I step foot into Missouri he texts me. It’s fucking weird. Of course if I called him I’m pretty sure my parents and most of my friends would disown me.

If you’d like to follow along on Sunday you can follow bib 746 at
http://www.ironman.com select Ironman Kansas 70.3